This post is for anyone who ever thought or attempted suicide. I know that whenever you say you are thinking about, people rush to you and say how much they love and would miss you. They say to think positive and that God is with you. They say to manifest positivity and find something that makes you happy, but as you and I both know, it’s just not that simple. When you’re in that moment and all you can think about is ending it all, the last thing on your mind is trying to think positive. You might spare the moment to reach out to someone hoping they’d say something that might help you. Hoping they’d acknowledge your pain and offer a solution. Sometimes I wish there was some kind of drink I could make that’d fix it. Feeling depressed? Oh you wanna kill yourself? I have this great remedy! Just mix together lemon juice and olives. There ya go! Why I chose lemons and olives for that example, I have no idea hahahaha! I don’t even like olives.
Anyway, what I’m saying here is that whatever you choose, it’s okay. Nobody would ever say that to you because it’s taboo. It’s a bad thing to commit suicide. It’s a bad thing to die. But just like nobody should tell you how you should live your life, nobody should tell you whether or not you should live it. Either decision you make is okay. It’s your choice and you have free will, but I do have one suggestion.
For me, it’s easy to fall asleep. I look forward to sleep every night because it allows me to escape this world. For a few hours I get to leave and fly off somewhere. I can go anywhere, and it’s total bliss. It’s like dying without the commitment. So whenever you’re in that moment where your finger is on the trigger or you’re about to down those pills, just drop everything and go to sleep. Pretty simple, right? Just go to bed, and dream. Take the day off. Call in sick. Cancel all your appointments and just sleep. That’s your only obligation in that moment. Sleep all day if you want. Sleep for two days! Maybe even a week. But just sleep and go somewhere else, anywhere else.
You see, sleeping is just like dying, but you get to wake up and go back to the physical again. You get to call up your mom or dad, maybe a friend. You get to hug them and cry with them again. You get to go back. You have that choice, but if you choose to kill your body, then you don’t get to come back. You never get to wake up and go back to hugging your friends and family. Sometimes when I wake up, pizza helps me. Yeah, I know, that seems lame and not a very good reason to live, but there is no pizza in the afterlife. Sure you can manifest it and remember the taste of it, but it’s not the same as chewing and eating a pizza. That makes me sad actually hahaha! I want to eat pizza and hot cheetos, so most of the time when I wake up from my “coma”, I’ll order myself some pizza. Usually in that time between ordering pizza and sitting down to eat it, I find another reason to stay. It may be small like looking forward to the new episode of The Walking Dead or gearing up for another Harry Potter marathon, or it may be that my mom calls me randomly to tell me how much she loves me. But there is always something there to keep me going at some point.
Then for a brief second I thank myself for not going through with it, and I get to live to see another day. That’s how I deal with my suicidal thoughts, and I thought that maybe it’d help someone else today. This isn’t a permanent fix though because they may come back. For me, they always come back, but instead I just sleep. I leave my body and go to heaven temporarily. I dream of better places with no pain, and then I wake up and see how I feel after that.
I have a friend who is in spirit that took his life. A lot of you may know him. His name is Erik, but I met him while he was in spirit. I never got to know him while he was in the physical, but I wish I did. He’s with me during those moments, and the greatest thing he ever said to me was that it was okay. If I decided to do it, I would be okay. He says it’s my choice, but he also always says it isn’t my time yet. He always says to me, “instead of pulling the trigger, why don’t we go to sleep? Let’s go watch Harry Potter together. Let’s go play a game. And then afterwards, if you still feel like it, then we’ll sit here together and think about it some more. I’m here right beside you through this, and I will experience this with you. You are not alone. Not even in death.” And just knowing he’s there and that he gets it, is enough in itself to make me stay.
I know I might receive a lot of backlash for this, but I’m a firm believer in choosing your own fate. Regardless of what that is, and if you feel it’s your time to go, then who am I to say otherwise? We all choose our exit points. Some choose to have heart attacks, others choose car crashes, others might choose old age, and some might choose suicide. The only difference with suicide being their exit point is that it’s done by their own hand, but it’s still an exit point nonetheless. It’s something someone chose whether they did so in spirit or in the physical. They still chose it themselves.
If I ever decide to go through with it, I’d want you to know that I slept on it first. I ate my pizza and watched my movie. I spoke to someone about it, but at the end of the day, I ended up doing it anyway. I am someone who fears permanent commitment like that, so it was a choice that wasn’t taken lightly and I believe it never should be taken lightly. All life is precious. I love you and hope this helps at least someone today <3