I’ve decided to take a break from my memoir posts because I’m so close to today’s time, and there are some things I’m trying to solve and piece together still. I want to wait for some time to past until I begin writing again. You know, everyone says Mondays are hardest, but I’d have to disagree. It’s Tuesdays that are hardest because I’m so exhausted from the first day of the week hahaha! I’m drinking my coffee trying to wake up, but it isn’t working! I know that some of you are disappointed that I’ve decided to take a break from my memoirs, so I decided to post an excerpt from my second novel Resurrected. It’s book two from the Inhuman series. I hope you enjoy it! I’m planning on having Inhuman available for free for download on Kindle a month before Resurrected is release, which should be sometime this year 🙂 Have a great day you guys!
A month after the uncontrollable bursts of anger, I started to receive nightmares. One night I woke up in a cold sweat after having dreamt of killing Mark. I was shaking as I looked over at Mark who was sound asleep in his bed. I had gotten up from my bed to go downstairs to retrieve a kitchen knife before making my way back up to where Mark was and stabbed him repeatedly. It was his look of betrayal on his face that scarred me as he reached out to make me stop. I shivered, and tried to forget the dream.
The next night, I had a dream that I had stolen the silver Chevy to drive off to the store to purchase gasoline. When I arrived back to the house, I had gone to each individual person in their rooms to slit their throats before burning the house down to the ground. I woke up again with my heart pounding against my chest. The fact that I was dreaming of this made me hate myself, and I was beginning to not trust myself.
I wouldn’t have dreams of just hurting others. I would dream of hurting myself as well, and it was always the same dream. I would walk into the bathroom, and look at myself in the mirror. It felt like the person in the mirror wasn’t me, and I would press my fingers against my cheeks to make sure it was real. My eyes were a dark green instead of brown, and my pupils were dilated. My eyes looked exhausted, and it looked like the side of my left cheek was burnt. I gently ran my fingers across the rough ripples on my skin until I reached an open wound. I stuck my finger through it and started to rip off the skin off of my face. My reflection began to laugh as I started to tear my skin apart, and my teeth were sharp and reptile like. On the inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one could hear me. It felt like I had no control, and I was trapped inside my own body. I wanted to close my eyes because I didn’t want to see my skinless face. I couldn’t shut my eyes, and I watched as my grotesque reflection said to me, “this is going to be you in Hell. There’s nothing you can do about.” I would always wake up right as the thing controlling my body would take out a small knife to cut away at my muscle.
After a couple of weeks of having repeated nightmares, I refused to allow myself to fall asleep. After a couple of days, exhaustion started to get to me, and I was beginning to hallucinate. It started off with auditory hallucinations, and I kept hearing voices whispering right beside my ear. Sometimes I could hear voices coming from somewhere far away in another part of the house. It sounded like there were a handful of people talking, and I could distinctly hear two women arguing with one another.
I tried to ignore it at first, but eventually I gave in to my curiosity. I wanted to know whether or not I was just hearing things, or there were actual people talking outside my bedroom. I followed the voices towards Cleo’s room, and pressed my ear against her door. The voices were getting louder, and I cracked open the door to see Cleo, Derek, and there three children fast asleep in the dark room. I looked across her room and saw the door that led to the staircase that was outside. I quietly shut Cleo’s bedroom door, and tiptoed downstairs to the first floor to go outside.
I made my way around the house to where the wooden staircase was, and looked up. No one was there, but I could still hear the voices. It started to sound like they were moving across the open field towards the newly built house. I followed them all the way to the house. The front door was locked, so I found an unlocked window to crawl in. I was starting to get frustrated because it seemed like I was never getting any closer. It was like I was going around in circles, and I couldn’t pinpoint where the voices were coming from. I sat in the corner of the empty living room, and tried covering my ears, but I could still hear them. I could still hear those two women arguing, and I began to hum to myself to see if that’d drown out the noise. It did nothing for me, and I screamed out in irritation. I kept my hands cupped around my ears as I paced back and forth. In my head, I kept begging for the voices to stop and go away. After about thirty minutes, they eventually stopped. I stood in place and started to feel uncomfortable with being in a big empty house all by myself. I started to become paranoid that I wasn’t alone in the house. Every shadow scared me, and I backed myself up against the wall so that nothing could surprise me from behind. My heart was beginning to beat fast as I frantically looked around to make sure no one was there. I made my way to the open window, and climbed out before running back to my bedroom.
As days went on, I was finding it hard to walk around because I was feeling really heavy. It felt like something or someone was pulling me down to the ground, and my body was beginning to shake. I wanted to fight past this, and decided to fight through my anxiety and go outside for training. Everyone’s eyes were on me when I stepped outside. My cheeks were becoming hot, and I looked down at the ground as I made my way towards the skinwalkers. I was becoming irritated. Could they not see how hard this was for me? Why did they continue to stare at me? Mind your own business! Hania spoke up. “What is everyone doing standing around? Get back to your training!” Each person turned their backs to me, and continued on with their training. This helped me gain back my confidence, and I no longer stared at the ground as I walked.
Hania greeted me with a hug. She stared at me intently with her calm, serene eyes. I felt a shiver run down my spine. It was like she was staring into my soul. “I am so glad you’re here,” she said. It sounded like she was expressing her relief that I was mentally there. I managed a smile, but it still felt difficult to be happy. It was like someone or something was keeping me from feeling anything positive, and there wasn’t anyway for me to fight past this barrier.
During training Mark was working on controlling his shifting, which he was getting really good at. I should have been at that level, but I was being held back by something. I became frustrated because Hania wanted me to continue working on my mental strength. “Don’t you think I should be past this part by now,” I said. Cleo tried to sugar coat it for me. “You’re going through a rough time right now, and we think it’s best as trainers to help you build up a good mental stamina. This can help with everything you’re going through, and help you fight through it.” I was getting annoyed with her because I didn’t like the answer I was hearing. Cleo pressed her lips together. “Think of it this way. If you get through this, then you’ll be mentally stronger than majority of us here.” I just looked at her like she was stupid. Cleo registered my irritation, and stopped talking. “What the hell do you mean by ‘if I get through this?’ Is there something wrong with me,” I said in irritation, “honestly, fucking tell me!” The skinwalkers fell quiet, and tried to divert their eyes from me except for Hania. She stared at me dead on, and I didn’t know why but she was making me nervous. I instantly became disgusted with myself because for a split second I thought of her as the enemy.
My anger quickly fueled over my guilt, and I continued to yell. “It’s clear you all think I’m crazy! Cleo, I am so sick and tired of you treating me like I’m some child. I’m not some charity case! I’m fine I’m-” Hania interrupted me. “You’re possessed, Annemarie.” It fell silent for a minute. I took a step back from them. I didn’t want to hear this. “We need to do something about it, but this all begins with you,” said Hania, “you have to want help. I know you do because I can see yourself crying on the inside. This isn’t you.” Hania continued to talk, but my mind was blacking out. Then I could no longer see, and I went into hibernation mode.