Growing Comes In All Shapes and Sizes

I wanted to discuss the phases we go through in life. While in our teens, we go through the different phases of being “preppy” to “goth” or to “gangster”. It’s all just phases that help us grow into the person we will become. There’s no shame in going through a phase in life, and no one should put you down for it. We also go through phases where we might have different personalities, career choices, morals, and values. This is all okay! Because what I have learned is that nothing is permanent in this life. Change is a constant here, so embrace the changes that come through. No one should tell you how to act or who you should be.

The reason I’m discussing this is because my dad had a talk with me last weekend. My dad is the wisest man I know, and I respect him very much. He said to me, “you are an adult now. So my job as your father now is to help guide you. I’ll point out when you need help.” During our talk, my dad said that I have been “brash” the past couple of years. I’m blunt and sarcastic, which are all fine attributes to have, but it hurts people’s feelings. He wasn’t telling me to change, but he was just pointing out to me how I affect others. He also said that I don’t filter myself around people, which can be inappropriate around people like my grandparents. My dad said, “but I know this is a phase, so I never said anything. Now I’m saying something because I think it’s time you knew.”

I had no idea that how I was acting would upset others because nobody told me anything. To me, I would have stated it out loud if someone were being rude. I’d call them out on it and say, “hey! Stop being a dick!” But not everyone is like me, and the talk I had with my father was very humbling. It really put my ego in check and I thanked him for that.

While he was lecturing me, I was thinking about the timing of it all. I knew I was meant to have this talk with him because I originally wanted to leave my parents’ house earlier that day, but something kept me there. I just felt like I needed to stay at my parents’, and when my dad took me into the back room to lecture me, I knew that was why I stayed.

Then I realized how much I grew since my last lecture from him. Before I would have thought, “this sucks! I’m not doing anything wrong! I’m just being me. Why am I in trouble? Dad should just shut up!” I think differently now. Throughout the talk, I kept thinking, “wow. This is why I felt compelled to stay here. Spirit works in mysterious ways. I’m meant to hear this. How can I take this information and apply it to my life? What is being gained by this talk? What am I learning here?” I have a totally new perspective on things now.

So after a good cry with my dad, I came to a realization: it’s okay to be where I’m at. It’s okay to be the brash and blunt Heather that I am. Want to know why? Because it’s a phase that’ll leave me, but I need to be this person right now. Being this person today will help me to grow into the person I’ll be tomorrow. I spent my whole life being sensitive to others. I was constantly worrying about how I should act, what I should or shouldn’t say, and being hyperaware of everyone’s needs and wants. Never did I take into account my feelings in social interactions. It was always about pleasing everyone else and stepping around their toes.

Now, I’m exhausted. I. Am. Fucking. Tired. Now that I’m an adult and pay my own bills and take care of myself, I don’t want to filter myself for anyone anymore. I want to be my true authentic self with everyone. And who is that person? Well right now, she’s blunt, cusses like a smart ass sailor, and is heavily sarcastic. And if you don’t like it, you can fuck off. I don’t seriously mean to go “fuck off”, but you get my point. If you don’t like the way I act, you can go somewhere else. I’m not going to sensor myself for anyone. The same way I act around my parents is the same way I will act around my friends, grandparents, and so on. I will treat everyone equally.

Will I act this way forever? Hell no! Everything I do is in extremes. It always has been with me. Think of it like a pendulum swing. Before I was always thinking about others and their feelings and putting everyone first before myself, and now the pendulum has swung to the opposite side. Now I’m the complete opposite and putting myself first before others. I’m being insensitive to others whereas before I would have bent over backwards for anyone. I’m being a total bitch, to be honest, and I love it. I need this right now. Eventually the extremes will go away, and the pendulum swings will get smaller and smaller until I find a nice medium–a nice middle ground. Eventually I will find the balance between being selfish socially and being sensitive to others, but right now is not that time.

So please bear with me on this journey. You don’t have to stick by me as I walk down this path, but do remember that we all go through phases. And this one is mine. Also, remember that I love you. I have nothing but love for everyone. Peace out yo <3