I hope everyone had a great week! I know I did. I’ve finally been able to breathe. I’ve been so busy lately, but everything has slowed down. I’ve been able to rest before everything picks back up again.
I wanted to share with you something that’s been on my mind this morning. Last night, I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend. I dated him back when I was 15, and he treated me like crap. He cheated on me and used me, and I allowed him to. To this day, he still denies cheating me, but everyone knows he did because he was known for being a cheater. I woke up this morning feeling angry because I saw him in my dreams. Something about him still upsets me, and I finally figured it out: I have never allowed myself to fully heal, and to forgive myself for what happened.
That experience with him scarred me in more ways than I’d care to admit. I always fear being treated like that again and being used. I fear getting cheated on and feeling that pain again. I need to let that go because it won’t help me. I need to forgive myself and stop allowing him to overpower me after all these years. What he did still has power over me because I still let it bother me. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction anymore.
He wasn’t the only one to have used me and to have broken my heart, and for years I blamed all the guys I dated for my pain. I blamed them for my lack of confidence and I blamed them for my fears that I developed, but really it’s my fault. It’s all on me because I allow them to still have that power over me. I allow for the memory of them to make me feel fear, to bring down my confidence, and to make me feel worthless. I’m choosing not to let go of it, and that’s all on me and not them. Yes, they were a catalyst, but I’m choosing to still allow them to have power over me.
I thank them for the experience though. I thank them for being who they had to be and the role they had to play in my life because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the experience. I wouldn’t have grown up to become the strong woman I am today. My dreams are trying to show me how much I’ve grown since then. I had no self-confidence, no self-worth, or any self-respect or love for myself. My father told me that who you date is a reflection of how you view yourself, and he’s right. I dated a guy that wasn’t good for me. He treated me terribly and used me, but that’s how I viewed myself. I felt like I deserved that, but because of that I have learned my own self-worth. How I view myself today is completely different than my 15 year old self, and I have him to thank for changing my self-worth. The experience of going through that pain didn’t bring me down, it only brought me back up. It made me stronger and more independent.
Because I am not a girl or a young lady. I am a woman. I am strong, successful, brave, and pretty fucking awesome, if you ask me 😉 I am a woman, and I am proud of who I grew up to be. I have everything to smile about. How skinny you are, if you have the right curves, or how pretty you look doesn’t define who you are as a woman. Your character does.
There was my little empowerment speech. I hope this helps someone. Happy Friday everyone!