I’ve been feeling a pull towards starting practice trance channeling sessions. I need more practice, and I also need to get over my nerves. If I do this, then that means there still might be a filter and I won’t be all the way gone. I won’t charge for the practices since they’ll be practices hahahaha! But it’s still just an idea I’m thinking about. It takes me about 5 or 10 minutes to go under, so the other person might sit there awkwardly while waiting for me to go under hahaha!
Sorry I haven’t been posting. Work and school have kept me busy! That and I was reluctant to post this, but I felt like it could help someone tonight.
My birthday is tomorrow, and in all honesty, I never thought I’d make it this far in life. My parents and I celebrated my birthday early this year, and my mother even told me that she was a bit shocked I made it as far as I did. A lot of you may find that mean for a mother to say, but she’s absolutely right. Suicidal thoughts and depression is something that haunts me, and this year I barely started to get a grip on it.
It’s really refreshing that it’s been 3 months since that last time I thought about suicide. A lot of you may think that’s not good, but you don’t understand about how much I’ve thought about suicide. It’d overflow my thoughts everyday, and it was a constant struggle to not do it. I’ve gone to thinking about it everyday to 3 months without thinking about it. That’s a big accomplishment for me! It’s been 3 months since I almost attempted, and 6 months since I last cut myself. Those are VERY big steps for me. I’m proud of myself.
I think part of my healing is that I have to talk about it. I just have to write it out and let someone know. For some reason, it’s easier to do this through a blog because I’m not talking to anyone face-to-face. 3 months ago I had a plan, and I knew what I’d do. I could do it at my sister’s house because she owned a gun or I could do it at my house since my boyfriend and his father owned several guns. I was on autopilot for majority of the day. I couldn’t feel a thing, and that started to scare me. I’ve been in that place before, and I know what that means. I was hyperventilating by the end of the day, and I felt so out of control. I felt so lost and unpredictable. I couldn’t trust myself to be with my own thoughts! I was freaking out, and I knew I’d end up doing it if I didn’t reach out to someone. I kept hearing “call Josh! Call Josh!” After pacing back and forth for several minutes, I forced myself to call Josh.
I sounded really calm over the phone, and that scared him. He asked what was wrong, and I just started breaking down crying. I couldn’t explain other than tell him to drop everything and come get me as soon as possible. He did. He and I have been together for almost 4 years now, and not once have I told him about my suicidal thoughts. It took a lot for me to tell him. He sat there forever as I mustered up the courage to tell him about how I felt. I didn’t want him to be upset or sad. I didn’t want him thinking it was his fault or that he wasn’t good enough to make me not think about suicide. I didn’t want him to feel like a failure as a boyfriend. The way I felt had nothing to do with him, and it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t fail at all! Nobody did. It’s all me. It’s my decision.
It took a lot for me to tell him, and I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t want him to say anything or to say he was “sorry” or give me that “look”. That “look” of “this poor girl”. No. I’m not some poor girl. I don’t need anyone’s pity. That just makes me mad, if anything. He and I just sat there together in silence, and he held my hand. That’s all I really needed. I just needed a friend there to keep me sane. On top of that, I started to feel emotionally safe with him after that day. I felt like I could talk to him about anything at that moment, and he knew all my darkest secrets by that point.
Now I have someone to call when I begin to go down that spiral. Before I never did. Someone would always come home right before. I never wanted to burden people with my issues, so that’s why I never thought of calling. I especially don’t want my mother or father to be worried, so calling them was out of the question. I know my mom. She’d feel like a failure, and start crying. I hate making her cry.
Anyway, that was 3 months ago… I’m doing a lot better today! I haven’t thought about it in a while, and I’m pretty excited and scared at the same time. I have this fear that it may come creeping back in again, but I have to take accountability for my own thoughts and emotions. They CAN be controlled by me. I CAN change my perspective and own up to my own happiness. Maybe all it takes is a shift in perspective or some change ups in my daily life or relationships, but I want to take control over it again. I don’t want to live in fear of my depression. No. That won’t be me. I won’t be someone who constantly goes up and down, and will live at the mercy of my depression. I won’t allow for that. The first step is recognition, and now I’m going to flip my life around so I won’t have to live in fear of my depression coming back. That’s my gift to myself this year. I’m going to learn to love myself.
Thank you for reading.