It’s Been 3 Months…

I’ve been feeling a pull towards starting practice trance channeling sessions. I need more practice, and I also need to get over my nerves. If I do this, then that means there still might be a filter and I won’t be all the way gone. I won’t charge for the practices since they’ll be practices hahahaha! But it’s still just an idea I’m thinking about. It takes me about 5 or 10 minutes to go under, so the other person might sit there awkwardly while waiting for me to go under hahaha!

Sorry I haven’t been posting. Work and school have kept me busy! That and I was reluctant to post this, but I felt like it could help someone tonight.

My birthday is tomorrow, and in all honesty, I never thought I’d make it this far in life. My parents and I celebrated my birthday early this year, and my mother even told me that she was a bit shocked I made it as far as I did. A lot of you may find that mean for a mother to say, but she’s absolutely right. Suicidal thoughts and depression is something that haunts me, and this year I barely started to get a grip on it.

It’s really refreshing that it’s been 3 months since that last time I thought about suicide. A lot of you may think that’s not good, but you don’t understand about how much I’ve thought about suicide. It’d overflow my thoughts everyday, and it was a constant struggle to not do it. I’ve gone to thinking about it everyday to 3 months without thinking about it. That’s a big accomplishment for me! It’s been 3 months since I almost attempted, and 6 months since I last cut myself. Those are VERY big steps for me. I’m proud of myself.

I think part of my healing is that I have to talk about it. I just have to write it out and let someone know. For some reason, it’s easier to do this through a blog because I’m not talking to anyone face-to-face. 3 months ago I had a plan, and I knew what I’d do. I could do it at my sister’s house because she owned a gun or I could do it at my house since my boyfriend and his father owned several guns. I was on autopilot for majority of the day. I couldn’t feel a thing, and that started to scare me. I’ve been in that place before, and I know what that means. I was hyperventilating by the end of the day, and I felt so out of control. I felt so lost and unpredictable. I couldn’t trust myself to be with my own thoughts! I was freaking out, and I knew I’d end up doing it if I didn’t reach out to someone. I kept hearing “call Josh! Call Josh!” After pacing back and forth for several minutes, I forced myself to call Josh.

I sounded really calm over the phone, and that scared him. He asked what was wrong, and I just started breaking down crying. I couldn’t explain other than tell him to drop everything and come get me as soon as possible. He did. He and I have been together for almost 4 years now, and not once have I told him about my suicidal thoughts. It took a lot for me to tell him. He sat there forever as I mustered up the courage to tell him about how I felt. I didn’t want him to be upset or sad. I didn’t want him thinking it was his fault or that he wasn’t good enough to make me not think about suicide. I didn’t want him to feel like a failure as a boyfriend. The way I felt had nothing to do with him, and it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t fail at all! Nobody did. It’s all me. It’s my decision.

It took a lot for me to tell him, and I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t want him to say anything or to say he was “sorry” or give me that “look”. That “look” of “this poor girl”. No. I’m not some poor girl. I don’t need anyone’s pity. That just makes me mad, if anything. He and I just sat there together in silence, and he held my hand. That’s all I really needed. I just needed a friend there to keep me sane. On top of that, I started to feel emotionally safe with him after that day. I felt like I could talk to him about anything at that moment, and he knew all my darkest secrets by that point.

Now I have someone to call when I begin to go down that spiral. Before I never did. Someone would always come home right before. I never wanted to burden people with my issues, so that’s why I never thought of calling. I especially don’t want my mother or father to be worried, so calling them was out of the question. I know my mom. She’d feel like a failure, and start crying. I hate making her cry.

Anyway, that was 3 months ago… I’m doing a lot better today! I haven’t thought about it in a while, and I’m pretty excited and scared at the same time. I have this fear that it may come creeping back in again, but I have to take accountability for my own thoughts and emotions. They CAN be controlled by me. I CAN change my perspective and own up to my own happiness. Maybe all it takes is a shift in perspective or some change ups in my daily life or relationships, but I want to take control over it again. I don’t want to live in fear of my depression. No. That won’t be me. I won’t be someone who constantly goes up and down, and will live at the mercy of my depression. I won’t allow for that. The first step is recognition, and now I’m going to flip my life around so I won’t have to live in fear of my depression coming back. That’s my gift to myself this year. I’m going to learn to love myself.

Thank you for reading.

6 comments

  1. sally kelly says:

    happy birthday. I’m so glad you are doing better. Three months is something to be proud of. Just do …one day at a time.

    and…would love for you to practice on me. What do I do…….I sure could use your help.

  2. Gizmo says:

    Thank you for sharing and being so open about your situation. Like you said you’re post could help someone. We’re happy you’re here!

  3. Julie S says:

    Happy birthday – you are NEVER alone! Glad you reached out. I won’t profess to know the internal torture you fight within yourself, but I’m hopeful that byt being surrounded by those who can love and support you, it will lessen the desire to take your own life. Even if it’s only one day or one moment at a time. Hold on!

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