It’s Wednesday, right? Yes! It’s Wednesday because I have a essay to write today. Bleh! 😛 Today’s post is a bit “depressing” I guess you could say. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts and I still struggle to not hurt myself. It’s something I battle with constantly. I felt like writing about it would be healing for me.
I believe the last time I cut myself was in April of this year. It’s still a constant struggle for me. I don’t do well with being sad and alone because I always end up doing something stupid to myself. I can’t trust myself to be alone with my own thoughts because a lot of the time it goes to the same thoughts of, “well I could just slit my wrists and that’d be the end of it. I could leave right now.” It’s really difficult and it sucks not being able to trust yourself.
I firmly believe that cutting yourself is an addiction because once you start doing it, it’s like you are at a constant battle with yourself to not do it again when you get sad. The other day I was really upset and sad. I was feeling stressed out, and I know it’s because I’m trying to heal and unblock my heart chakra. I’m opening up a lot of old wounds, and that has caused for me to be drained. My problem is that I know how to give love, but I don’t know how to receive it. That has always been a problem of mine and I don’t know why.
Anyway, I was feeling down and I was alone. Even though I was fighting from using a blade to cut myself, I was still tempted to use my nails to scratch. I had to lay out my hands on my bed away from my body and spread my fingers apart. I had to stay like that for a while, and it sucked that I had to do this to keep me from hurting myself. I felt like crying, and since I don’t like being open with other people, I didn’t want to step outside my bedroom to go be around someone. At the same time I knew I needed to release my negative energy, so I felt stuck because I knew if I cried alone I’d end up doing something stupid to myself. I just don’t trust myself. That’s when my spirit buddy showed up.
He had me take out my pendulum and pendulum chart, and said, “talk to me. I’m here.” So that’s what I did. I listened to music and talked to my spirit buddy through the pendulum. I just started talking about why I was stressed and depressed. I was refusing to cry still, and my spirit buddy kept telling me, “let go. Just let go.” As I started to let go, I began to think suicidal thoughts. All I need to do is slit my wrists deep enough and I’m gone within minutes. I stared at the purse where I had my pocket knife, and the pendulum began swinging “NO” very erratically.
My spirit buddy began to spell out “don’t cut yourself.” I heard his thoughts before he finished spelling it out and I said, “I know. I know…. I just need a hug.” My spirit buddy began swinging, “yes.” And then the perfect song on my itunes started playing. Iris (Hold Me Close) by U2. I knew my spirit buddy did it on purpose, and I couldn’t help myself from crying. I just started balling like a baby. My spirit buddy kept spelling out “let go” and swinging “yes” like he was encouraging me to keep crying and releasing whatever built up shit I had. I felt him hugging me too. I felt a slight humming in my body like a low vibration, and it felt warm. After I was finished crying, we began to joke around. I didn’t want to go to sleep because I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts again. I stayed up long enough until my boyfriend came home from work.
This wasn’t the first time that my spirit buddy saved my life, and I know it won’t be the last 🙂